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25 November 2010 @ 07:47 pm
i haven't posted in a while...laziness/depression/angst/boredom.
updates!

am now vidding lip service and tpote (-I know my flist like it. why have I not mentioned it before?) and the tudors and spooks maneh other things.

put on weight.

smashed my friends lense and had to replace it so now have no money. at all.

wishing emma a massive happy birthday!

anxiously awaiting borgias.

anxiously awaiting lip service confirmation of s2.

and I took this picture when I was sad and at my stepdads house:


 
 
 
28 October 2010 @ 05:59 pm
 
 
10 October 2010 @ 06:39 pm

I wanted to explain why I haven't been posting or taking photographs recently.
My friend Michael Fraser, yes the Michael that was in the 'text' post, fell from a six story balcony in London on Wednesday night and his machines are being switched off next week because there's nothing they can do for him. I have known him for 14 years and we were seeing muse on saturday (with other people) and he's always, always been there for me. I haven't stopped crying about it. A close co-worker of mine that I've known before I joined work, is also leaving to teach out in the Joybells Orphanage in India. I found it out today and as happy as I am for her, it is heartbreaking. Yesterday, I was called fat and dim by colleagues and refused time off to visit Michael. Right now, I am trying to grasp any normality I can because the reality of everything hasn't hit me yet. I will try to find some muse for photographs but at the moment, as you can maybe understand, I am a little bit in freefall.
 
 
01 October 2010 @ 03:25 pm
I got a new edition of pablo neruda's love poems!! I can speak spanish but it's nice to have the translation as well.

I HAVE GONE MARKING
I have gone marking the atlas of your body
with crosses of fire.
My mouth went across: a spider, trying to hide.
In you, behind you, timid, driven by thirst.

Stories to tell you on the shore of evening,
sad and gentle doll, so that you should not be sad.
A swan, a tree, something far away and happy.
The season of grapes, the ripe and fruitful season.

I who lived in the harbour from which I loved you.
The solitude crossed with dream and with silence.
Penned up between the sea and the sadness.
Soundless, delirous, between two motionsless
gondoliers.

Between the lips and the voice of something goes dying.
Someting with the wings of a bird, something of
anguish and oblivion.
The way nets cannot hold water.
My toy doll, only a few drops are left trembling.
Even so, something sings in these fugitive words.
Something sings, something climbs to my ravenous
mouth.
Oh to be able to celebrate you with all the words of
joy.
Sing, burn, flee, like a belfry at the hands of a
madman.
My sad tenderness, what comes over you all at once?
When I have reached the most awesome and the
coldest summit
my heart closes like a nocturnal flower.

It is my favourite out of the collection. I think it's just stunning.
 
 
 
24 September 2010 @ 11:47 pm

I think it's safe to say that I have relapsed, eating disorder wise..which is a shame, but I'm not too shook up about it, I just want the shitty, bingey foods which my sister eats, out of my sight. Relapsing doesn't surpise me, I always tend to forget food when I'm stressed and when that is amplified by grief, I want to be thin again.

tumblr:
eileue.tumblr.com

 
 
18 September 2010 @ 05:55 pm

 
 
07 September 2010 @ 12:08 am
Devendra Banhart makes me think of summer and smile.
I really have nothing to post besides the fact that it's midnight, I have to get up at 6 tomorrow and I'm drinking tea and reading my sisters a level history book. I also purged again, for the second time in a week which is so, so bad guys. I blame my sister and the trauma she's inflicted today. Which is going to make it hard to live with her.
 
 
04 September 2010 @ 04:06 pm
I was looking through my phone to all the text messages I never had the courage to send. So I'll say them here, exactly as they are in my phone:

Annie: "hey, no it's fine! I just don't really want to go out and I know you are all bubbly and shit but I just don't think I can be that person."

Michael: "I miss you. so fucking much. can you not just come back  here for a week or two?"

Jamie: "I hope you're happy with that whore. Enjoy the rest of your shit life."

Leo: "Heya! I know, it was nice meeting you too! do you maybe fancy grabbing a drink/coffee sometime?"

My Mother: "maybe it would just be easier if you stayed in resedential? I can take of jamie et al."

Suki: "I am really low and I miss you and love you so much :("

Laura: "hey, it's alison (from joe's gathering?) I was wondering if you wanted to go out friday night?"


I wonder how different things would have been if I had sent any/all of these...
 
 
03 September 2010 @ 05:08 pm
recieved some lovely homophobia on formspring. its made me want to turn full lezza hah. we shall see. In the mean time, I failed at taking any sort of pictures in london because I ran out of time/energy and am back at work naao but shall try and get some stuff up this weekend.